Grocery Store stories

I promised at OS that I would post some of these up on my blog, so here ya go. I worked at Food City from the day I turned 16 thru the age of 20. It sucked fucking ass and was a horrible fucking company to work for. When I saw shoplifters I just laughed my ass off because as you can see from the post directly below this one, they fucked me on my pay and schedule, so I didn't mind seeing someone else fuck them every chance they got. The stories commence below complete with saucy language. So if you're offended by saucy language, then close the fucking window now or prepare to run screaming from this blog to Yahoo or some shit. You've been warned.

Story #1
I live in Knoxville, TN which is home of the Tennessee Volunteers. On football saturdays after the manager left, we were allowed to put the intercom next to the radio and listen to the game. My front end manager (which is short for head tard) told me to go put the intercom on the game. Me being the mischievous person that I am put it on a Baptist preacher and pulled the knob off the radio and hid it in my pocket. Now when I say Baptist preacher I'm talking about the screaming ones who preach that everyone is going straight to hell. My manager takes off running back to the radio and starts freaking out. She can't find the knob and she's now frantic. She finally finds me and asks where the knob is and I tell her I don't know, that was the station that it was on when I turned it on. I threw the knob over into the corner of the store and I don't think anyone ever found it.

Story #2
We used to have a somewhat slow guy that worked with us who loved wrestling. Just for fun and right in front of a customer, I told him that John Holmes was my favorite wrestler. He starts screaming JOHN HOLMES ISNT ANY WRESTLER IVE EVER HEARD OF, YOURE LYING. The woman in my line got the reddest face from embarrasment I've ever seen. I think it's obvious she knew who John Holmes was. (for those of you who don't know. John Holmes was a porn star with a huge fucking dick) I was written up for this one

Story #3
The same somewhat slow guy was sweeping one day and two ladies were standing in front of the milk case. This is what he says to them "GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASSES OUT OF THE WAY I NEED TO SWEEP" I start dying laughing. I get written up again, he gets into no trouble at all.

Story #4
The same somewhat slow guy was bagging groceries for me and he was so proud that he had grown a moustache that he was telling most all of the women who came thru my line that Moustache rides were 25 cents. I laugh and get talked to about it. He again gets into no trouble for it

Story #5
This man comes walking up to me holding a what looks to be a five year old mischievious boy by the collar. I ask him if I can help him, he says and these are his exact words, "I CAUGHT THIS GODDAMN LITTLE SONOFABITCH POKING FUCKING HOLES INTO EACH OF THE MEAT PACKAGES AND "HIS DIRTY LITTLE FUCKING FINGERS HAVE RUINED THE PACKAGES" I start laughing and get the manager. The manager thanks the man, the boy's mother cusses the old man out. Hillarity ensues.

Story #6
I was walking thru the aisles when I see this suspicious lady carrying around a cup of water so I watch her for a few minutes. She walks into the bottled water aisle and looks around to make sure no one is looking, dumps the water into the floor from the cup, lays down in it and starts screaming. I should have let her fuck the company out of millions but this was when I first started and cared about my job. I told the manager, he told her to get lost. She shot me the finger and I laughed.

Story #7
As you might know, Knoxville is close to Bristol, home of the Bristol Motor Speedway. Twice a year we got race car driver standups that were life size. For fun, I used to take these standups at night and put them in the women's restroom in one of the stalls and just sit close to the restroom to hear women scream when they walked in and saw a smiling man peering out at them over the stall. I laughed with hillarity and so did my boss, as he was writing me up again.

Story #8
I used to tell new employees that at the end of the night they had to refill the water fountains. We'd give them a five gallon bucket filled with water and tell them to fill them up. Water went fucking everywhere and made the most God awful mess you've ever seen. I didn't get written up for that but I did get told stop it.

Story #9
I would wait for my bosses to go the bathroom (male or female) and slide the trashcans in front of the door so they would have to beat and bang to get out. This was fun until my front end manager knocked the barrel over and rotten food fell out which caused some old lady near us to puke. I didn't get in trouble because I walked in on the same front end manager getting his dick sucked by an underage girl when he thought no one else was there. I never got written up again, but I regular made the dick sucking pose when he started to yell at me and he stopped immediately.

Story #10
I was bagging groceries for a cashier and she asked this lady who she thought was pregnant when she was due. The lady got this real fucking pissed off look on her face and said I'm not pregnant. I started laughing and had to run to the back to keep from falling down from laughter. The female cashier never spoke to me again.

Story #11
I worked overnight stocking for a little bit before I left and we used to use the same intercom system to play music over. We played mostly tame stuff until the bitches from the deli came in at 3am. Then we switched to NWA, Guns and Roses, Luke Skywalker and anything else filthy to piss those bitches off. They told on us so the next morning we put water down on the white floor and watched all of them bust their asses and fall. We laughed and got into trouble again.

Story #12
My friend and I use to eat pinto beans and cabbage on our breaks and wait till about 5 or 6pm when we knew there would be a bunch of people in the store and fart over the intercom. One of us would stand out in the aisle to gauge people's reactions.

You may think alot of this was childish, but remember I was in high school then and this kind of shit was what we all did. I wouldn't think of doing this now, or would I?